Stop. Listen. Crazy.
I sit on my cot, leaning on a wall, fiddling with my phone. I'm at awe with Android, which makes me think of an operating system, and in turn Linux; Windows; I stare at the window next to me, and I see that it's raining outside; water water everywhere not a drop to drink; poetry; how I'm so terrible at it; what else am I terrible at?; literature, music, dance; arts for that matter; who knows it all?; Kamal Hassan?; what phone does he use?; a Moto in vEttaiyAdu viLaiyAdu; Goutham Menon; viNNaiththANdi varuvAyA; love; singledom; #ForeverAlone; marriage; kids; house; car; social pressure; job; money; economy; politics; corruption; desire; misery; humanity; evolution; science; technology; engineering; electronics; communication; telephones; mobiles; Nokia 1100; Lumia; oh, how I wish Nokia had made an Android phone; Android; I'm still looking at my phone.
A circle of thoughts gets completed as another begins, and I try to shut it down, only to fail miserably. I've been able to stare at the wall for a good amount of time, but I'm no longer capable of doing it. I must've lost it somewhere, and I don't seem to be able to recollect whence. I google "how to slow my thoughts down" and read some content on this. But they don't give me a solution that would work right away. Terms such as "meditation", "relaxation" & "awareness" don't tell me what to do but only how I should feel. But I don't know how. I decide to try, anyway.
I set an alarm for 5 minutes from now. I turn my lights down. I sit on my cot, erect and cross-legged. I inhale and exhale deep. I remind myself of the prANAyAmam that I'm supposed to do as part of a 3-times-a-day ritual that I don't perform. I curse myself of not exercising my physique. I blame the job that I'm at. I cringe at over-thinking & discarding the good associated with practices of faith. I'm reminded of the talks I've listened to and repent for being influenced by them. I regret for not completely believing in anything. I question myself if I'd've been rid of all misery if I had become a conformist. I ask myself if I'm part of a higher plan or merely a mind introspecting for no use. I ask myself if I would ever be able to control myself. I doubt if there ever was someone who obtained &// practised self-control. I wonder if those sages of ancient times did so, or only pulled a trick to convince the ruling class in order to get things done. I blame the caste system & the exploitation of it for all the sufferings many did & do go through. I repent for being born in a world that hasn't lived up to my expectations. I feel disgusted at myself for not changing anything ever since I've started understanding things. I realize that I would not be able to, at least all by myself. I feel ashamed of not trying to. I look like a speck of dust stuck to the bottom of a sandal worn by a life-form that roams around a larger universe doing absolutely nothing but gathering more dust all its way. I stand worthless among those brilliant minds I meet. I sense that I don't matter. I learn that I'm of no use to this world. I comprehend that there's a System that runs this whole show. A system run by a handful few who use it for their advancement. A system that would only favor those who surrender to it. I fear that this System might discard me at its will. I remind myself that I'm yet to make my will. I foresee that my will wouldn't matter either. I ask, "If not my will, what will?" I answer, "Only what's supposed to."
The alarm goes off. I realize I've still been breathing for no use. I put it off with the thought that I've wasted another five minutes of my being here. I also feel hungry. I thus go in search of food. Many more minutes to be wasted, along with much resources.
A circle of thoughts gets completed as another begins, and I try to shut it down, only to fail miserably. I've been able to stare at the wall for a good amount of time, but I'm no longer capable of doing it. I must've lost it somewhere, and I don't seem to be able to recollect whence. I google "how to slow my thoughts down" and read some content on this. But they don't give me a solution that would work right away. Terms such as "meditation", "relaxation" & "awareness" don't tell me what to do but only how I should feel. But I don't know how. I decide to try, anyway.
I set an alarm for 5 minutes from now. I turn my lights down. I sit on my cot, erect and cross-legged. I inhale and exhale deep. I remind myself of the prANAyAmam that I'm supposed to do as part of a 3-times-a-day ritual that I don't perform. I curse myself of not exercising my physique. I blame the job that I'm at. I cringe at over-thinking & discarding the good associated with practices of faith. I'm reminded of the talks I've listened to and repent for being influenced by them. I regret for not completely believing in anything. I question myself if I'd've been rid of all misery if I had become a conformist. I ask myself if I'm part of a higher plan or merely a mind introspecting for no use. I ask myself if I would ever be able to control myself. I doubt if there ever was someone who obtained &// practised self-control. I wonder if those sages of ancient times did so, or only pulled a trick to convince the ruling class in order to get things done. I blame the caste system & the exploitation of it for all the sufferings many did & do go through. I repent for being born in a world that hasn't lived up to my expectations. I feel disgusted at myself for not changing anything ever since I've started understanding things. I realize that I would not be able to, at least all by myself. I feel ashamed of not trying to. I look like a speck of dust stuck to the bottom of a sandal worn by a life-form that roams around a larger universe doing absolutely nothing but gathering more dust all its way. I stand worthless among those brilliant minds I meet. I sense that I don't matter. I learn that I'm of no use to this world. I comprehend that there's a System that runs this whole show. A system run by a handful few who use it for their advancement. A system that would only favor those who surrender to it. I fear that this System might discard me at its will. I remind myself that I'm yet to make my will. I foresee that my will wouldn't matter either. I ask, "If not my will, what will?" I answer, "Only what's supposed to."
The alarm goes off. I realize I've still been breathing for no use. I put it off with the thought that I've wasted another five minutes of my being here. I also feel hungry. I thus go in search of food. Many more minutes to be wasted, along with much resources.
